we learn to love again
by blairswaldorfs
Summary: in which it's a crazy mix of blair and jenny falling for each other under weird circumstances that turn out to be not so real. jenny x blair. au


an: really disappointed that in this month actual fanfics are being posted that aren't femslash. it makes me mad. also i don't know where this came from, can't promise characters are in character since my mind is a little hazy and i'm falling asleep a little. no really i doubt this makes sense. warning: this is the most awful thing i have ever written.

::

_i. we can paint the town in blue._

Swirls of strawberry ice cream lay in front of Jenny Humphrey, tempting her to bite into the delicious mixture but Blair whirls back in a hurry. All blues and greens and golds, and _is this really happening? i can't get married!_ Jenny tries to calm her down, to offer her advice but even though the past in the past, it still haunts Blair, so she tells Jenny to shut up and make herself useful. That means leaving the room and finding vodka.

Jenny finds the other bride to be instead, a gushing mix of tears and ruined make up as she scribbles down a note. She looks up at Jenny like a deer caught in the headlights - oh _fuck_, this is bad. Really bad, isn't it? The bride, a girl Blair met while in France shakes her head, points to the note, lets out a strangled sob and a _tell her i'm sorry_. Then she's gone and Jenny is left to pick up the pieces.

_I can't do this. I love you, Blair. I'm sorry. Find someone that wants to marry you, because I never did. _The note reads, it stings just to touch it, Jenny concludes. She can't show this to Blair. Because I never did? What kind of horrible person did Angeline think she was? Jenny brushes her fingers through her hair, letting the pins fall out and her recently curled hair come loose.

Why does she have to be the one to tell Blair? Even if they're on good terms there's still a barrier, and after this Blair will never speak to her again. Jenny can't have that, she always wanted to be Blair's friend, she always wanted Blair to like her, and there's no fucking way she's letting anything come between their friendship again. She thinks about leaving the note there, returning back to Blair, acting as if nothing had happened. But she's a good friend.

She picks up the note, a bottle of vodka and the hem of her dress. She takes a swig of the vodka before carrying on with her task, that will most likely end with her head on a platter. She sips a little more vodka as that thought pops into her head. She finds Blair on the couch, her limbs too long for the tiny thing (but she's not Serena, she'll pout, her limbs aren't long). Her dress swirling at her ankles, her eyes closed as she clutches onto her phone.

"She's gone," Jenny says breaking the peaceful silence. Blair's eyes snap open, red and blurry and oh god, she was crying _before_? Jenny fiddles with the note in her hand, to give or not to give, then quickly throws it towards Blair who doesn't make a move to take it.

"I know." Is all she says before closing her eyes and leaving Jenny Humphrey very confused. Oh, is all she thinks before passing off the bottle of vodka and watching Blair drown her sorrows in it. Serena visits briefly at one point, wide eyed and sorry, Blair waves her away. The rest of the day is spent in that room, Blair too tall for the couch and Jenny looking at pictures on the walls while sitting at a table. A heavy silence laced with unspoken apologies suffocating them. People pack up around them, stopping briefly by to smile sadly at the two lost girls.

Blair looks away and Jenny tells them to fuck off. They're left in silence again.

It's one past seven before anybody makes an attempt at moving. Jenny gets up, slings her bag across her shoulder and prepares to depart. She has things to do, places to be, blah blah blah.

"You're going to leave me, as well?" Blair asks, balancing her head on her hand. Smiling softly at Jenny. Time had changed both of them, they were shells of their former rebellious, bitchy beings who fought viciously and stood up for themselves as soon as they were cut down. They were always alike, always the same, one of the reasons they fought and hated and loathed each other (Jenny never really hated Blair though) was because they were alike.

Jenny thinks about sitting down, waiting with Blair but she wants to go home to her bed, comfort and warmth and no stupid silences that make her want to scream. She sits down on the couch with Blair, their bodies nearly falling off. She gingerly brushes Blair's hair back and presses a kiss to her temple, _good luck_, the kiss says. She pulls back, a sincere smile on her face.

Before she can leave, Blair is grabbing her arm and pulling her back down. Crashing her lips to Jenny's. The latter doesn't respond right away, shocked. How many times has she dreamed of this? Hundreds. She leans into the kiss just as Blair leans out, barking at Jenny to leave her alone and never come back. Leaving Jenny hurt, and a little confused as she wanders around the streets of Brooklyn alone.

::

_ii. i'm so hot, i ignite. _

Four months past and Jenny hears somebody mention Blair Waldorf has married a business man with no brains what so ever. The gossipers bitterly remark on how far she's fallen, from a brainy model to a clueless business man? They shake their heads, sipping on coffee and moving onto the next subject.

Jenny tries to find her, navigating around the Upper East Side as if she somehow belonged there. She finds where Blair currently resides, finds her on the couch in a red gown draped over her body. She's gazing out the window, watching the rain fall against the window as a man moves about hurriedly in the background humming along to a song booming through the house. Blair's eyes find Jenny in a rather short amount of time. The younger girl expects a smile, a hello, expects her to jump up and pull her into a hug.

Blair just looks at her briefly, before returning to the window. A bitter insult flowing out of her lips, she almost sounds sixteen again. _I almost feel sixteen again_, Blair thinks sadly running her fingers across her stomach. The vomit is still in her mouth, the guilt still haunting her like a ghost from years past. The man is soon gone, and Jenny is soon running her fingers through Blair's curls as she cries into a pillow. Mascara staining it, lipstick peeling off.

It feels familiar, like a time before Blair met Angeline and the days after Angeline disappeared. Jenny disappeared after that as well, running out on Blair because she wasn't sure if she like liked Blair. (But she knew she loved her). Their lips soon find each other, the hurt and despair pouring into the kisses. Old memories being pulled up as they lie side by side, silence filling up the jasmine air.

"Leave," Blair says sharply at one point. Lightly pushing Jenny off of the couch, wiping at her eyes and slipping her feet into a pair of high heels. She picks up her gown, flowing around the marble room like a queen. Head held high, confident, regal. Jenny hasn't seen Blair like this in a while, so used to seeing her broken or of hearing her broken.

The brunette is soon bossing people around. Ordering them around like she used to order minions, soon falling into the comfortable feeling of being in charge. She's falling backwards instead of moving forwards. She's twenty seven, not seventeen. Jenny wants to stop her, to help her repair everything that has gone wrong but she's still that little girl from Brooklyn that has stars in her eyes and is dreaming _big big big_.

She can't help Blair if she can't even help herself.

Another kiss is lightly placed on Jenny's lips, a mumbled whisper of thanks before she's rushed out of the penthouse and back onto the busy streets of New York where people are moving. Teenage girls just like she used to be, laughing, arms hooked together as they talk about the latest movie and the latest break up and the latest mean girl to grace the scene. Sometimes those girls are the mean girls, confessing their hatred for their actions to their closest friends. Jenny knows it'll only end badly, with a knife in the back and a boring life that leads to drinking vodka at seven in the morning and forgetting your high heels at a club.

She pulls her coat tighter around her, puts up an umbrella and moves back towards home. Not the little loft in Brooklyn, but a small apartment tucked away that is dirty and gross and not where Jenny ever wanted to be living at this age. She's stuck like Blair, moving backwards, instead of forwards. She forgets all of this when she gets home with a glass of cheap red wine and listening to her roommate raging about the latest fight with her sister.

::

_i. all of your flaws, and all of my flaws are laid out one by one_

She's not a tragic tale of girls who think they can be their sixteen year old selves falling into the trap of a lifeless marriage and a drinking problem before she's even thirty. She's just sad. She's just been going through a period when the sadness seems infinite, like it'll never end and she's lonely. She misses Serena, with her golden ways, brightening everything up with a wicked smile. She misses Jenny, with her fear of having Blair hate her, and her confidence to stand up to her.

She misses Jenny, she realises with a frown. The glass in her hand falling to the floor, her fingers being raised up to her lips, tracing over where Jenny kissed her. She barks an order at the maid to clean up the mess she made, as she fumbles for her phone. Before Angeline there were parties where Blair was lost, trying to find herself and Jenny was trying to help her. There were the days after Angeline left, was gone that Jenny tried to help but Blair kissed her and told her that she loved her and forced her ideas of a perfect relationship on a girl that didn't want any of it.

Which only made her feel more alone. Then waltzed in Kevin, dumb as a duck as rich as - _what's rich? _She falls against the couch with a heavy sigh, unbuttoning the buttons on her gown before throwing it aside. It's ugly anyway, she doesn't care if it's custom made. She'll regret it once she sobers up, but right now her only thought is of calling Jenny and ordering her over to talk.

And maybe kiss.

Kissing Jenny sounds rather nice, actually. _No one loves you_, the words fly back into Blair's brain. That's not true, I love you! Blair wants to shout, scream from the rooftops. She doesn't make the call, and she doesn't confess her feelings.

Because she's waking up, eyes fluttering open to see the room she was in before her wedding. Jenny is sitting at the table, phone in her hand. Laughing at a message, shaking her head, as she types out a reply. Her head turns to Blair, face erupting in a smile as she sees the bride awake. Pulls her up, and rushes her to a mirror. Blair remains silent as Jenny fixes her up and brings her to where her wedding is.

Angeline is there.

And it's too late to confess feelings for Jenny that she only just realised she had in an odd dream sequence.


End file.
